see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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