Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
