Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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