I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
