Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
