i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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