either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
