So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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