He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
