Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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