Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
