my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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