I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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