Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
