Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
