your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
