All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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