I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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