mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
