I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize