How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
