im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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