he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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