I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I bet he comes in French.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
