My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
