how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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