I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
