Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
