I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Randomize
