So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
i think my cat just said my name.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
