Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
