I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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