we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
