They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Tornado booty call.. dedication
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
