Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
