I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
