he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
as a side note pls kill me
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
