i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
