im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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