take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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