Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Someone signed my nipple.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
