to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Randomize
