Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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