Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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