i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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