i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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