Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
