youre lurking in front of me
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
