Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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