The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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