i'm signing you up for texting rehab
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
