R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Randomize
